• I Weighed in 13 Pounds Heavier than Expected at the Doctor; MY RESPONSE

    Today was like any other day with one exception: I had my annual physical. Now, obviously that entails leaving my car in a parking deck in a spot I don’t remember, wondering to myself how much each doctor makes before taxes as they pass by me, and reading a magazine for the first time since my last physical. What it also meant was getting weighed.

    Listen, I was not scared going into the weighing. After all, I’ve been exercising. I stopped weighing myself months ago after cleaning off pound after pound, and felt good. I expected that total on the other end of the scale to read 180. Boom. Pow. Easy. So imagine my f***ing surprise when it rings up 193.

    Are you shitting me? I mean sure, despite all of my cardio, I sneak an occasional six cookies per day. Big whoop. Oh, and the 10 beers on Saturdays, but I was by the pool, so those don’t really count. It was like getting to the checkout at the grocery store anticipating a low total because you got the store-brand noodles but forgetting you also got three candles and a pair of ribeyes eliciting a total thrice your expectation.

    But still. Thirteen pounds? What was I going to do now? Well, my doctor had a recommended altering of my fried chicken, chocolate chip cookie, Tropicalia, Pop Tarts regimen: mix in salads.

    Are you kidding me? Salads? What a quack. Honestly, in retrospect, I thought all the degrees on her wall was a bit tacky. But hey just because she went to college, then medical school, then worked in hospitals shadowing seasoned doctors before becoming a licensed doctor doesn’t mean she knows what she’s talking about regarding human health. The other day, my cousin Marty posted on Facebook that Bud Lights are practically water and I remember from biology class in ninth grade that water is 95 percent of the body, so basically those beers are nothing.

    And she’s talking to me about salads? How do we know if those are even safe? I mean, what are the long-term effects of salads? I think it’s too early to say. Chocolate chip cookies have a 99.9 percent survival rate (RIP my guinea pig Tony), so what do I need to worry about anyway?

    What type of studies have we seen on salads? Pizza has been around for thousands of years and now salads pop up in what, the last century? What’s the hurry? Just so ‘big salad’ can get rich? WAKE. UP. Until the KFC approves and regulates salads for the general population, I’m not going to trust it.

    I even read on thisisalltotallylegitandrealstuff.blogspot.com that Paul Newman put nanobots in his dressing. Wow, really makes you think. I don’t know what a nanobot is, but my neighbor had a nana growing up, and she would hit the shit out of him with a shoe when he would take the Lord’s name in vain. So I want an angry grandma robot in my blood stream? Uhhhh yeah, NO THANK YOU.

    One of my friends is a food blogger and influencer and she had the cajones to put a post up that says, “tried this yummy salad at the place by my work! I highly recommend it!” Um. How about you keep your “recommendations” away from MY body, OK? Whether or not to eat salads is a personal nutritional choice between me, my family and the fifth doctor I eventually went and saw because the first four all said I should try salads and the fifth one wasn’t really a doctor but rather just a guy outside my building I call doctor because I see him selling pills a lot from my window. And he said, and I quote, “don’t eat salads if you don’t want, I don’t care, but could you get the hell out of here, I’m trying to run a business here.” Compelling stuff.

    If that wasn’t enough, I actually turned on my TV tonight and there was a commercial about, you guess it, salads. So now the mainstream media is involved in this? How far will this go? If you want to eat a salad, fine, that’s your choice, we’ll see who is healthier five years from now. But don’t you dare keep pushing this on me. This should be a personal choice, OK?

    This podcast I listen to even said tomato farms are funded by Skeletor. Hmm OK so now we are supposed to support Skeletor and the planet of Primus and just be OK with it. This was all an inside job and I just won’t trust it until the celebrities I hand-picked to agree with me say it’s OK on Instagram.

    If that isn’t the worst part, my company is mandating our department eats healthier all because our insurance is apparently going up if no one abides by better diets. Um, what do I need a job for? Other than money for a mortgage and food, a way to justify four years of college, and overall self-esteem?

    What matters most is that I dig my heels in and make a stand about a minuscule change in my lifestyle that will greatly affect my personal health.

  • College Football’s Definitive Top 10 Best Entrances List

    Few things beat a good countdown. When your food is almost ready in the microwave, and you sit there waiting and hit it at the 0:01 mark to avoid the obnoxious beeper going off. When Ryan Seacrest counts down from 10 on New Year’s Eve and you realize you only have seconds left to deal with the horrible NYE activity you got roped into. How about The Final Countdown by Europe? That sound honestly just flat-out slaps.

    My favorite countdown of all, however, is that to the beginning of the college football season. I no longer have to care about baseball divisional races. I have an excuse to be antisocial all weekend long. I also get to immerse myself in nothing but college football and try to pass it off like it’s a healthy hobby. Luckily for me, my wife is fully on-board. We have a tradition every year where the Saturday before college football starts, we know it is her last day with my full undivided attention for a few months. Want to go rock climbing? Sure. Go hiking together? Why not. Want to walk the equivalent of a marathon through each aisle of Costco? Let’s go nuts. Because when college football Week 1 (or Week 0) roll around, I don’t care if it’s Ball State and Schenectady Tech, I am affixed to the TV.

    One of the absolute best parts about college football is the entrances. There are unique ones across the country, and if they do not get your blood going, you will have to explain that at the Pearly Gates one day. I consider myself a bit of a college football entrance aficionado. I’m kind of like a sommelier except instead of wine pairings, I can tell you which live mascot sprinting through the gates will give you a natural equivalent to six Red Bulls. And because I believe there is just not enough list journalism going today, here is my top 10 list of the best entrances in college football.

    10. Auburn

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuNKMmcmWi4

    Jordan-Hare is one of the most electric stadiums in all the country. Do some people say they have too many mascots? Sure, but Aubie, the eagle, and Charles Barkley all bring something to the table, so it works. Seeing the eagle swooping in between 90,000+ on a gameday is a sight to behold.

    9. Colorado

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMQ5ACsuyEw

    Few things get the people going quite like seeing a colossal animal sprinting onto the field with a couple of art majors thinking, “am I about to see someone go to the hospital today?” I do not know the origins of the name Ralphie so if it’s sentimental, I’ll wear that, but if not, what an absolutely ridiculous name for a buffalo.

    8. East Carolina

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqu_ppox_RE

    Jimi Hendrix? Pirates? Need I say more? Sure, Greenville is a place where kids from New Jersey come to party before going back up north to casually drop “y’all” around their friends like they are Mark Twain by proxy. That doesn’t mean this isn’t a tremendous entrance, which is hard to do considering it means gearing up for an AAC game.

    7. Miami

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuCvucBPFAk

    There are few things in college football cooler than seeing the Hurricanes emerge through the smoke. Thinking of Canes come and gone from Al Blades to Ed Reed, it gives you chills thinking back to those days in the Orange Bowl. Unfortunately, those days are seeming further and further away. This entrance alone is worth hoping the Canes are officially back.

    6. Oregon

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oxGnq9WEwE

    You have a guy in a f***ing duck costume riding a motorcycle onto the field? I’m all in for this. It’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s reminiscent of D-Day from Animal House. It’s perfect.

    5. Georgia Tech

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2NqcH6nd2s

    This one is underrated because for so long you just thought, “who the f*** wants to watch the triple option?” Regardless, seeing an old-timey car come out, draped with players and cheerleaders as they take the field is just fantastic. Sure, no one in the crowd has ever been invited to a party before they got to college, but who cares, the Ramblin’ Wreck is top notch.

    4. Florida State

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQcNEPulVO8

    When Chief Osceola and Renegade hit the field, it’s goosebump time in inland-Florida. Just a little tip to anyone trying to add some pizazz to their entrance: you can’t go wrong with live animals or fire. FSU has both, so they’re at No. 4.

    3. Hawaii

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8Rmb-ZuR1w

    I have always told my wife I am both fascinated and terrified by killer whales. The same can be true about the Haka. Do I want to watch? Yes. Am I worried my soul has now left my body via island warrior voodoo? Funny enough, also yes.

    2. South Carolina

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pHtm5F2H4Y

    The Gamecocks hit you with a two-fold approach. Not only do you have Space Odyssey getting the people riled up, but you hit them with Sandstorm? Columbia, South Carolina may as well start manufacturing extra brick walls, because it makes me want to run through some.

    1. Virginia Tech
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob02cR1wYUQ

    I mean, come on. Obviously this is the pick. How does Virginia Tech ever lose a home game? If I was an opposing player and I walked out and heard this, I would just walk right back in. Metallica in a sea of Thanksgiving Day colors jumping around shaking the stadium? Unparalleled.

  • Lions Cut Both Kickers, Per Dan Campbell’s Grunts

    Tuesday marked a bloody day across NFL camps as rosters were required to be slimmed down from the 70s and 80s to a hard 53. The Patriots cut Cam Newton in the midst of a perceived quarterback battle, the Dolphins cut Pro Bowl linebacker Benardrick McKinney before he could ever suit up in a regular season game in South Florida, and the Bears cut former lockdown corner Desmond Trufant. Unquestionably, the biggest news of the day was the Lions doing what the Lions do: going full rogue.

    https://twitter.com/AdamSchefter/status/1432796887904571394

    Hell yeah, Lions. The fact none of us saw this coming when Dan Campbell was hired, frankly, is on us. I can only imagine how he informed Bullock and Gonzalez of their terminations. Did he walk in on them discussing La Liga and one of them called it “futbol” and Campbell lost it? Maybe he got tired of seeing their special shoes and said the team needs to be “one heartbeat?” Possibly, and I’m almost banking on this one, he just changed the code to the facility and put up a sign that said, “no nerds allowed” and the kickers just caught his drift.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZEdDMQZaCU

    This pretty on-brand for Campbell. If you told me to hazard a guess as to what NFL coach would just cut all his kickers and go to practice the next day without one, I wouldn’t exactly have to work my way down a list before I got to Campbell. Presumably both players found themselves at the bottom of the “Most Gainz” leaderboard in the weight room and that just didn’t sit right with the big guy.

    So what’s the plan now? Of course the Lions are almost certainly going to just find another kicker and sign him but that kind of kills the fun of the blog, no? Is Campbell going to petition the NFL for the ability to have a “throw-off” instead of a kickoff, a la backyard football? Is he going to just ask the other guys on the roster, “who can kick the best” like Lt. Aldo Raine at the theatre?

    It’s a mystery, but one thing is for certain: it’s going to be hard to kick if your knee caps are bitten off.

  • Olympics Ratings Down and Olympic-Enthusiasts Make Me Uneasy

    After a yearlong delay, the Tokyo Summer Olympics began last month. Ratings in sports have been a mixed bag lately as some numbers are higher than they’ve ever been, while others have been a bit meh. So how are the Summer Games faring after a five-year hiatus? Pretty shitty, actually. According to Fox News, the numbers in primetime are down 48 percent from 2016.

    I mean, to be fair, this isn’t 2016. That was a year that saw Hulk Hogan’s sex tape, Harambe the gorilla getting shot, and and the Cubs winning the World Series. Now, five years later, a lot has changed, namely that Cubs GM Jed Hoyer did worse things to the Chicago roster than those monsters did to Harambe. But still, 48 percent is a bit unnerving, no?

    Sure, the Olympics are an acquired taste. You have canoeing, rhythmic gymnastics, sailing, and ping pong. I think part of the matter is that entertainment has just gotten better. We used to be a culture that lived to watch 40 drivers drive 500 miles taking four left turns and occasionally stopping for gas. Now don’t get me wrong, if NASCAR drivers did what I did when I stop for gas and have to maneuver the rest of the drive trying to keep Flaming Hot Cheeto dust off the steering wheel, I would be more apt to watch. But to be frank, there’s just better stuff on TV than this, which is the actual icon the Olympics use for rhythmic gymnastics:

    That just looks like the kind of fuel every 1980s bully needs to slip right back into character from high school. I just think it takes a special kind of weird to get really into the Summer Olympics. It’s like Disney Adults or people who obsess over royal weddings or anyone who makes dinner choices based on coupons they got in the mail. Those are just some different cats who you may not realize their odd intricacies until you’re face-to-face with a Cinderella foot tattoo.

    Many in Japan did not want the Olympics because of their rising Covid-19 positive numbers. I wish I could have also told those individuals that I did not want the Olympics, either. I’ve never really been an anti-Olympics guy but this year I turned on my TV to see a bunch of Russian (but not Russian, wink wink) guys trying not to poop their leotards while deadlifting. I just thought to myself it is either this, Reds vs Brewers, or I don’t know, one of 11,000 things on Netflix.

    Maybe this is just a one-year thing. Maybe this is a sign of things to come. Maybe it really is just a small world, after all.

  • Molson Coors to Discontinue Various Horrible Beers; Fraternity Pledges Mourn

    There are many triggered senses that can summon callbacks to one’s freshman year of college. For instance, take any dirt-cheap beer. You can remember the look of the flattened cases adorning your dorm wall, the rancid taste of the first one, the smell of a beer pong table left uncleaned overnight, the sound of your roommate opening the back door to vomit, and the feel of the stickiness of your floor seemingly at all times due to you guessed it, spilled cheap beer.

    Cheap beer can truly be a tour de force of the five senses. That is why an announcement from Molson Coors on Monday sent shockwaves through campuses across the country.

    https://twitter.com/DanShuftan/status/1422233933123629059

    RIP is right. What a tragic day for some of America’s absolute institutions. Who could forget those nights drinking Milwaukee’s Best when one thinks to themselves, “this is really the best Milwaukee has to offer? Maybe I’ll pass on visiting The Badger State.” How about sipping the violently bitter taste of a Keystone Ice and thinking, “this isn’t what I had at the fraternity house the other night,” only to get laughed at because you thought it was Keystone Light. Maybe pour one out for the OG, the original high-alcohol-content beer that is now being impersonated by IPAs galore, Steel Reserve. Those six packs of tall boys were bought for one reason and one reason alone: holy shit, these have like twice the alcohol by volume.

    I’ll be honest, many of the other beers on this list did not make their way into my purview. I would’ve loved to try a “Keylightful.” I am guessing that is similar to a Keystone Light except maybe your vomit held off until noon the next day instead of 9 a.m. “Icehouse Edge” seems like another fun one. Oh, because the original Icehouse just wasn’t doing the trick? What were those taglines like? “Icehouse Edge: for the Icehouse drinker that isn’t a little bitch.”

    “Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve” may have been just a little too private, I guess. I’ve never heard of it, nor have I heard of his public reserve, either. What in God’s name is “Olde English HG 8000?” Were there seven other iterations, or 7999? Why did they make it sound like the toaster oven the Jetsons would use?

    I feel sorry for the kids today who didn’t get to experience Four Loko in its days of answering the question, “what if you could get hammered drunk for $4.50 AND supply a jetliner with your urine.” Now, they are missing the chance to experience some of the finer cheap beers on the market. Maybe I will save a can of Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor so one day my kids can try it decades later. It may be stale as hell, but I doubt the taste would change.

    One thing is for sure. I am going to tell my future kids that this man was once the president of the United States.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNz0kdGLX-E