• NBC Slip ‘N Slide Show Halted Due to Diarrhea Outbreak

    BY MICHAEL QUIRK

    A slip ‘n slide is a delicate ecosystem, and any number of things can turn it on its head. Ya know, things like an ill-placed rock or sprinkler head, a sneaky fire ant hill, or a sprained ankle of some kind. That said, nothing, and I mean nothing, stop a day on the slip ‘n slide quite like the phrase “diarrhea outbreak,” which is exactly what happened on the set of NBC’s Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide.

    Apparently, around 40 crew members fell violently ill and were “being forced to run into port-o-potties” due to “awful explosive diarrhea,” according to The Wrap. It was so bad that production was halted, and they are currently trying to figure out a way to finish the filming of the show. If you think that is bad, just take a look at how the show was described in a spring press release:

    “Wet-and-wild new series [that] takes the spirit of the classic backyard slide and transforms it into a real-life water park full of gigantic slippery rides with the chance to take home a big cash prize.”

    Wet and wild are definitely two apropos descriptors for the situation at-ass at-hand. Oh, and “real-life water park?” Nothing says real-life water park quite like someone having an internal bacterial infection and passing it along to everyone else at the park. Slippery is just not a word I am going to touch here.

    I don’t want to say anyone shit the bed, or that this is a shitty situation, or even that it became a shit show, but man alive this sounds like a chaotic scene. I’m not sure how many port-a-johns there are on a set for something like this, but I am going to go out on a limb and guess not 40. Lest we forget that obviously those things do not flush, so that could not have been pleasant. Also, how the hell is anyone going to look each other in the eye when production picks back up? No one really wants to be truly vulnerable at work, and there is no more helpless time in your life than having diarrhea and there’s nowhere to go, and everyone around you can clearly see your panic.

    Whenever something like this happens, there’s always finger-pointing. Who started it? A lot of accusations are going to be made. The first one is obviously going to be the guy in charge of catering. I am sure he or she got a lot of heated words in his or her direction, blaming the avocado wraps and Caesar salads.

    I also wonder if there are any story comparisons going on. I figure there’d be some “oh if you thought your experience was bad, I had to stop at three separate 711’s on the drive home.” I guess these production workers really found out a lot about themselves and each other once the shit hit the fan, I mean slide.

  • St. Louis Popeye’s Hit by Worst Prank Possible

    BY MICHAEL QUIRK

    A St. Louis Popeye’s had a sign taped to its drive-thru pretending to be from new management saying they may refuse to serve some white people. After an investigation by the Lake St. Louis Police Department, officers say they believe it to be a prank.

    “Effective 6-1-21, this restaurant is under new management and will reserve the right to refuse service to white people. We apologize for any inconvenience. Signed, general manager, Mason,” the sign read.

    Oh man, good one. I was just sitting here thinking to myself, “man, you know what this country could use? Additional racial strife.” Also, the joke is on you if you think this would stop me from going to that Popeyes. The sandwich, tenders, rice, everything is just so delicious. If that was a real policy then I would probably be the first refused, because let’s be honest I am not just white, but rather I look like the kind of guy who hops in his Toyota 4Runner to drive to Whole Foods for their “dank” artisan selection, jamming out to to the greatest hits of Dave Matthews Band (who I’d call DMB), stopping for craft beer along the way, and then heading to my ALTA Match with Hunter, Tanner, and Bryce.

    That still wouldn’t deter me. I would hang around the parking lot like high school kids looking for someone to buy them beer. I’d just lean against my car, asking any non-white person if they can get me a sandwich meal to-go before I got ran off by “Mason.” By the way, why “Mason?” Every Mason I have ever met looks like he’s heading either to or from a Chesapeake Bay lacrosse match; not starting race wars against white people. If it was real, the absolute balls on Mason to sign his name to that sign would be impressive. I’d respect that in today’s age of internet anonymity.

    I am happy to hear that this is fake, both for our country’s sake and because now I’m starving. It’s time to turn on Ants Marching and get on down to Popeye’s, baby. Oh, and when you’re considering doing a prank, just remember to never go full Winston Bishop.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4npwBRIt8k0
  • Gator Tries to Break into Home; Reptile Claims Allegations are a ‘Croc’

    BY MICHAEL QUIRK

    Mark and Pam Pomfret awoke at 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday to a racket at their lanai door. Was at an intruder trying to rob them? Was it a ghost haunting them because their house was buried on an ancient Florida Man burial ground? No, it was somehow worse. It was a nine-foot alligator.

    According to the FWC, May and June are alligator mating season. So maybe instead of yelling, “hey get outta here,” Mark should have yelled, “stay away from my wife, pal.” If this gator wanted so badly to get into their home, does any part of the couple’s minds go to, “wait…is there a female gator somewhere in here?” Nothing has to make your blood boil quite like a gator trying to use your house for his romantic interests.

    https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/d4967288-acb8-4772-858c-d752eb88f974

    While I understand the homeowners not being please, I bet the gator was not too happy, either. He had a long day in the swamp lurking, sunbathing, scaring turtles. Then he decided to reward himself, maybe with a drink or two at the nearest Flanigan’s. A few libations in, he gets a little frisky, calls up his lady gator friend and says, “hey girl, I’ve got just the place.” Cops get called, he gets hauled away. She probably shows up a little while later looking for him, all she sees is some ceramic ducks (every lanai in Florida has them by law) and patio furniture, and thinks, “what a flake.” The Pomfrets may have inadvertently ruined a beautiful reptilian love story.

    Love can be a fickle Floridian beast, sometimes.

  • Best Trade Fits for Julio Jones

    BY MICHAEL QUIRK

    Atlanta Falcons All-Pro wide receiver Julio Jones said “I’m outta there” when referencing Atlanta on speakerphone on Undisputed. This news has been a slow burn as the Falcons are in cap hell and need additional draft picks to rebuild their defense, and Jones was inconspicuously left out of the team’s 2021 graphics earlier this month.

    This has begged the question that if Jones is done with the Falcons, what are the best fits for a new team? Much of the speculation has centered around New England, Jacksonville, and Los Angeles (A), with seemingly every outlet on Earth putting out a trade fits piece. Let’s not limit ourselves, however, and take a look at the absolute best matches for the former Alabama standout.

    ATLANTA, GEORGIA – SEPTEMBER 13: Julio Jones #11 of the Atlanta Falcons runs out on the field during player introductions prior to facing the Seattle Seahawks at Mercedes-Benz Stadium on September 13, 2020 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

    Literally anywhere

    Yep, that’s right. Literally anywhere. Jones is already in the pantheon of elite receivers in NFL history as his 95.5 yards per game ranks as the best ever. He has recorded over 1,000 yards seven of his 10 seasons, with the only exceptions being injury-shortened years and his rookie year where he ended up with 959. Jones also averages over 104 yards per game in the postseason across eight appearances. So who could use him? Everyone.

    OK, but let’s actually rule some teams out

    We can probably rule out the Saints due to not only their cap situation but also the fact that Atlanta is not going to trade Jones to their biggest rival they meet twice per year. So that will also preclude the defending-champion Buccaneers (can you imagine) and the desperate-for-immediate-relevancy Panthers.

    It’s also probably fair to rule out anyone in precarious cap situations. Yes, a lot of times, teams can get creative with restructurings and dumping players for Day 3 draft picks, but let’s guess they’re out of the market in all likelihood. That means no Eagles, Titans, Bears, Giants or Saints.

    Now, the defense may need a rebuild, but the Falcons are not in a state of the 2019 Miami Dolphins. So, if in the springtime when everything is rosy, will the Atlanta front office really want to trade him to someone they can be fighting with for a spot in the playoffs? After all, look at where recent high-level receivers got trade:

    • 2020: The Vikings traded Stefon Diggs to the Bills
    • 2020: The Texans traded Deandre Hopkins to the Texans
    • 2019: The Giants traded Odell Beckham Jr. to the Browns
    • 2017: The Saints traded Brandin Cooks to the Patriots

    The one thing in common with all four? The receiver at-hand switched leagues. Sure, there are exceptions like Antonio Brown getting traded from the Steelers to the Raiders (though there were not many takers at that point) and Randy Moss getting traded from the Raiders to the Patriots (despite also getting traded from the Vikings to the Raiders and Patriots to the Vikings, switching leagues both times). So what contenders could that rule out? The Seahawks, Packers, Rams, and Cowboys, despite being seen recently in Cowboys’ attire.

    Next, let’s look at the fact that Jones said he wants to be on a winning team during the same uncomfortable speakerphone call. Jones has been a good soldier in Atlanta, and one cannot think they would completely screw him on the backend. They may not fully acquiesce to this demand, but we can rule out a couple of more here. The Texans are a mess, the Jaguars are a young wild card, and the Jets are the Jets.

    Will the Falcons rule out the team that publicly and eternally embarrassed them in the Super Bowl in New England? Will they resist creating an absolute nightmare for the league by sending him to Patrick Mahomes to pair with Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce? I think the answers to those are no and no, so long as the packages are right, as that will supersede any fan resentment on social media.

    ATLANTA, GA – NOVEMBER 23: Julio Jones #11 of the Atlanta Falcons celebraes a touchdown in the first half against the Cleveland Browns at Georgia Dome on November 23, 2014 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

    So who the hell is left

    The teams that have not been eliminated thus far are the Bills, Dolphins, Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Browns, Colts, Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers, and Broncos. I think the Browns are probably out with Jarvis Landry and Beckham already in tow, as that’s a lot of money invested in a receiving room and I don’t think the Falcons are looking to take one of them back.

    Do the Dolphins, Raiders, Chargers, and Broncos qualify as contenders? That depends on how you feel about David Carr and three young quarterbacks. Pairing Jones with Keenan Allen in Los Angeles for Justin Herbert seems like a yes. Jon Gruden would love to get his hands on a Jones type to put alongside Josh Jacobs on that offense. Tua Tagovailoa had a fine freshman campaign and added Will Fuller and Jaylen Waddle on offense; what moves would they have to do to add Jones to a room that also has Devante Parker? The world does not seem terribly high on Drew Lock these days, so Denver could be the only one really out on this one.

    The Colts are fascinating. They aren’t scared to make a big trade as we’ve seen with DeForest Buckner and Carson Wentz. They also have money to spend. Would Pittsburgh try to squeeze one more run out of Ben Roethlisberger while sacrificing possibly vital picks in the near future? If it keeps him from the Ravens, then quite possibly. Jones could change everything about that Baltimore offense and make Lamar Jackson even deadlier. Could the Bills pair Jones with Diggs, giving Josh Allen ammunition to finally overtake the Chiefs?

    Conclusion

    Who the hell knows. At the end of the day, we are down to nine teams (omitting the Browns and Broncos), and maybe one of the eliminated teams moves heaven and earth to move cap space, or overwhelms Atlanta with a massive haul, or the Falcons just don’t care what the Jets are going to be if they are willing to send them a first rounder. All we do know is when Jones finds his new home, it could change the landscape of the NFL playoff picture before summer even begins.

  • Brooks Koepka is Tired of Bryson Dechambeau in Leaked Video

    BY MICHAEL QUIRK

    For as long as it dates back, golf has existed as a gentleman’s game; tied directly to the exclusive course venues, price of equipment, and general cotillion-like atmosphere. This idea has constantly led to questions of, “will golf die out with _____ generation” time after time.

    That was only exacerbated by the curiosity of who will carry the torch for the sport. After Jack and Arnie left, it went to Tiger, who took the game to new heights and a new type of fan. But how would that young fan growing up watching Tiger manifest itself once his time at the top began reaching its sunset? We are now starting to see that unfold with not only budding stars of the sport, but also an evolution of the game. Take the leaked exchange between Brooks Koepka and Bryson Dechambeau from this weekend for example.

    https://twitter.com/RJWinfield/status/1396999787266940928

    Just incredible. Whether it was the metal cleats or the “right line” comment under the breath, the fact that these two genuinely do not like each other is fantastic for golf. Forget the fact that we have Justin Thomas, Jordan Spieth, and other elite young players, having that honest, visceral hatred is beyond fun for golf. It’s like how drinking was more fun when everyone was in college, because you knew you weren’t legally supposed to do so. Dropping hard f-bombs in interviews at another golfer is so anti-golf culture that it is good for golf culture.

    The animosity against Patrick Reed from seemingly, well, everybody is another example. Sports are at its best when you have rivalries, both between fans and teams/players, or player-to-player. To capture young audiences, viral moments are paramount. On a night when the NBA and NHL playoffs were going on, two mega stars in the NFL made waves by further clarifying their future plans, and the MLB season is fully underway, golf stole the show on Twitter on a day when no one was even playing.

    Golf is in a good spot, and any and all eyeballs will only help.