White Claw Surges are Coming to Ruin Your Summer

BY MICHAEL QUIRK

One of life’s toughest obstacles is to look classy while ingesting something out of a can. Look at the facts: a plate of oysters at a restaurant, or a can of oysters from Aisle 4 at Kroger; a serving of cranberry sauce from Nana at Thanksgiving, or a gelatinous mold of sauce from a can from Aisle 5 at Kroger. The closest one can Truly get I am so sorry is drinking a hard seltzer such as White Claw.

White Claw is essentially if La Croix tried to keep its college years quiet. One can “smash beers,” but one cannot truly smash seltzers. If you ever have like eight or nine seltzers, you look in the garbage can and think, “wow, I’ve had too many seltzers.” If you asked a sommelier what a White Claw is best paired with, they would tell you an oversized swan float, Lily Pulitzer swimwear, and sashes that say “bride” and “bride’s betches.” That was all until last week when White Claw released their new higher proof seltzers in time for the summer.

Dubbed “White Claw Surge,” the new products will come in 16 oz. cans as opposed to the traditional 12 oz. we’ve grown accustomed to, and have an ABV of 8 percent as opposed to the usual 5 percent. The cans will also be a dark blue as opposed to the stark white, hopefully serving as Warning No. 3 to Rebeccas and Amandas everywhere that this is indeed a very different drink. Personally, I would have called them “White Claws After Dark” but the inclusion of “Surge” is sure to send a chill down millennial spines everywhere, recalling a drink from our childhood that made your brain do the Harlem Shake.

In case you thought, “hey, it’s still our old buddy White Claw, I’m sure it’s fine,” think again. The new flavors are Cranberry (OK, sure) and Blood Orange. Jesus Christ, you just had to throw “blood” in there? Why don’t you just have the can ride up to my house on a Harley? Won’t the blood part by implied after I have six of these and fall and hit my head on a lake dock somewhere?

One person who will undoubtedly benefit from the rise in alcohol is my father, who mistakenly drank a few White Claws around the house thinking they were La Croix. The man is of Irish descent, so you cannot blame him for not tasting the hint of booze slid into each can. Now, maybe, he will take a whiff of Blood Orange and realize, “OK, this may change my afternoon.”

I say all of this and issue my aforementioned warnings, but in all honesty, I will unquestionably buy a sixer of these bad boys the next time I am at the store. These are not your grandma’s..I mean, mom’s..no, I mean older sister’s White Claws. These are your tattoo-having, rock ‘n’ roll-listening, no room for authority White Claws right here. Buckle up, baby, summer just got a new flavor.

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