Walrus Falls Asleep in Arctic; Wakes up in Ireland

For many, a midday nap is a refreshing recharge needed to get from Point A of the day to Point B. Women do it in crocheted blankets on the sofa with Parks and Recreation reruns on in the background. Older men do it in armchairs with golf or CSPAN softly guiding them into their slumber. Children do it on foam or rubber mats coated in their germs as they promptly pass out following a long discussion about how they are not tired. Everyone does it. Apparently, that includes walruses.

I cannot stress to you my lack of confidence in the pluralization of “walrus.” I was thinking, “walruses…that doesn’t sound right, but I know it isn’t ‘walri’ so maybe it’s like moose and deer and it’s just ‘walrus.’ Nah, let’s roll with walruses and hope for the best.” Anyways, a young girl and her father spotted a walrus in County Kerry, Ireland, a good 4,000+ miles from the arctic, where the walrus calls home. Kevin Flannery, a marine biologist with the Dingle Oceanworld Aquarium, hypothesized to The Independent, “I’d say what happened is, he fell asleep on an iceberg and drifted off, and then he was gone too far, out into the mid-Atlantic or somewhere like that, down off Greenland possibly.”

Mother of God that’s a rough way to wake up. I get it that it happens at summer camps every year, but this walrus had no way of knowing. He was just sitting there, enjoying some shellfish, licking his tusks, and drifts off into Lala land, dreaming of some scantily-clad walrus showing off all her flippers if ya know what I mean. Then boom, he wakes up and is all, “this…this doesn’t seem right.” Hopefully he did not think he woke up in the future and that global warming was way worse than expected.

I know this nap feeling all too well. I take maybe two or three voluntary naps per year. Like clockwork, every time I wake up, I feel like I just arrived in the throws of Fallujah. “Where am I?…what time is it?….why was I unconscious?…oh, Justin Thomas is four under on the day…is this my sofa?” No matter how much I plan a nap or how long it takes for me to drift off, I never avoid the immediate state of panic and confusion when I wake up. There’s also this weird taste in my mouth like I just licked, but didn’t eat, a series of original Wheat Thins.

Hopefully this dude finds his way home. I don’t know if he will get transportation, if they’ll keep him at a local aquarium, or if they just let him go and hope for the best. All I know is if those flat-Earthers are correct, he avoided a MAJOR bullet. I don’t know a ton about walruses (there I go again), but I can safely assume they don’t do well in space.

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