Underwater Key West Hotel Plans Approved; Set to Resemble Evil Lair

BY MICHAEL QUIRK

As if the world has not endured enough in the last year, plans for a new underwater hotel in Key West, Fla. have been patented and approved.

Dubbed the “Planet Ocean Underwater Hotel Florida,” because I guess every marketing company in the world was busy, the hotel is set to begin construction soon. The hotel will feature 12 “pods” and while based in Key West, it will be barged in the middle of the Caribbean. The pods will be enforced by double-welded steel and feature translucency on three sides.

The hotel is accessible through a singular elevator and will float 28′ below the surface. Altruistic promises back the hotel as it will fund the Global Coral Reef Restoration initiative, according to arch2o.

Rendering by Planet Ocean Underwater

The hotel appears to share some features with submarines, and is comfort built for an apparent super villain. I am not certain whose idea this was, but I am guessing their first plan was to put it in the side of a volcano. Was the headline of the filed patent, “a place James Bond will never be able to find me?” Nowhere in the article did I find where in the hotel they are training dolphins to shoot lasers from a helmet.

A famous architectural fable about Northwestern University’s library states that its designer failed to account for the weight of the books, allowing the library to sink a few inches each year. One such oversight here is you really want to put this hotel in Key West of all places? Sure, the water is beautiful, but it is just as beautiful an hour north in Marathon, where the partying scene is about as night-and-day as the dating lives of Tim Tebow and Wilt Chamberlain. Overserved tourists have enough difficulties navigating their way to the Sheraton, and now you’ll have Stephanie from Dayton, Ohio asking her Uber driver which way to the bottom of the ocean?

I do worry about the three sides of glass. Maybe they will use the glass that police and elementary school guidance counselors have where you can see out, but not in. I’d hope so, otherwise one minute a happy couple is enjoying their honeymoon and the next, they have a scuba diving field trip from Horace O’Bryant Middle School coming through for a free show.

I cannot imagine the WiFi is excellent 20,000 leagues under the sea. Does your internet cut out if a slew of nurse sharks float overhead? What about if you take some mahi to go from Caroline’s on Duval Street and try to enjoy some leftovers, only to be face-to-face with a school of mahi watching you devour their cousin Andy? As an aside, please everyone, stop sharing videos on Facebook humanizing cows and pigs. I have enough inner turmoil, and having ethical dilemmas while eating bacon and thinking back to when Babe was playing with a toy gorilla in that video is not going to help.

Have we not seen enough movies about these things? One minute, Samuel L. Jackson is conducting research in an underwater lab, and the next, he’s losing his legs to a Great White while emitting more F-bombs than a Bostonian stubbing their toe. I can see it now, parents yelling to their kids, “hey! what did I say: no ball in the pod!” Then boom, something goes flying into the glass, water is filtering in, and people are rushing for the elevators like it’s the Hotel Cecil.

I am all for a great cause, and giddy about science moving stuff forward. That said, I think I’ll take a room at the Marriott listening to Janice and Mike in the room next door yelling about who did or didn’t have too much to drink at dinner over a pod overlooking the ocean floor. Hopefully the endeavor is fruitful financially, as it would be a shame to see it go underwater.

I’ll see myself out.

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