BY MICHAEL QUIRK
A St. Louis Popeye’s had a sign taped to its drive-thru pretending to be from new management saying they may refuse to serve some white people. After an investigation by the Lake St. Louis Police Department, officers say they believe it to be a prank.
“Effective 6-1-21, this restaurant is under new management and will reserve the right to refuse service to white people. We apologize for any inconvenience. Signed, general manager, Mason,” the sign read.
Oh man, good one. I was just sitting here thinking to myself, “man, you know what this country could use? Additional racial strife.” Also, the joke is on you if you think this would stop me from going to that Popeyes. The sandwich, tenders, rice, everything is just so delicious. If that was a real policy then I would probably be the first refused, because let’s be honest I am not just white, but rather I look like the kind of guy who hops in his Toyota 4Runner to drive to Whole Foods for their “dank” artisan selection, jamming out to to the greatest hits of Dave Matthews Band (who I’d call DMB), stopping for craft beer along the way, and then heading to my ALTA Match with Hunter, Tanner, and Bryce.
That still wouldn’t deter me. I would hang around the parking lot like high school kids looking for someone to buy them beer. I’d just lean against my car, asking any non-white person if they can get me a sandwich meal to-go before I got ran off by “Mason.” By the way, why “Mason?” Every Mason I have ever met looks like he’s heading either to or from a Chesapeake Bay lacrosse match; not starting race wars against white people. If it was real, the absolute balls on Mason to sign his name to that sign would be impressive. I’d respect that in today’s age of internet anonymity.
I am happy to hear that this is fake, both for our country’s sake and because now I’m starving. It’s time to turn on Ants Marching and get on down to Popeye’s, baby. Oh, and when you’re considering doing a prank, just remember to never go full Winston Bishop.