BY MICHAEL QUIRK
Jim Croce said it best, “you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Jim.” If you could add one final lyric to that verse, it would be, “and you don’t outfat Americans,” which is exactly what the McDonalds in Singapore are trying to do.
The country’s Mickey D’s have released a new sandwich called the Chick ‘N’ Cheese burger. It is a crispy chicken sandwich adorned with lettuce, sweet tomato chili jam, a big circular mozzarella stick, and an additional slice of cheese. It also appears to feature mayo, which is adding insult to the degree of not just stealing your bike, but also removing your baseball card from the spoke and running over it. I mean, my God, why is Singapore doing this? It’s like the bizarro world from Maine Justice.
I just don’t understand the idea for this creation. Was the marketing department really thinking, “you know how people love chicken sandwiches? Well, I’ll bet they’ll love them even more if they have a giant, circular mozzarella stick right there on top of it.”
“Sir, I don’t think that will be enough cheese.”
“You’re right. Let’s throw an extra slab of cheese on there for good measure. Right below the ketchup.”
“Ketchup seems too normal, maybe we should add in sweet tomato chili jam, ya know, to really f*** up their senses.”
Drive-thru attendants have begun taking marketing efforts into their own hands, frequently asking, “would you like to try our new _________ today?” If an employee asked me if I wanted to try this, I would consider this a threat. Allow me to put on my tinfoil hat here, but aside from McDonald’s, who exactly is behind this? Is it the state of Wisconsin, the dairy capital? Is it the creators of Lipitor in conjunction with cardiologists? Is the dark web correct and Bill Gates really is aiming for population control, and is starting with anyone dumb enough to order this monstrosity? I don’t think we will ever know.
If you try searching for the caloric content of the sandwich, the website just responds, “do you really want to know? That’s why you’re eating this, because you’re cognizant of your health?” It’s all fun and games now, but mark my words, in two years you’ll be watching daytime television and a commercial will come on that leads with, “have you tried the Chick ‘N’ Cheese burger? Then you may be entitled to some compensation.”