BY MICHAEL QUIRK
Sometimes quantity matters more than anything. If you have one exam in school this week, that is manageable. If you have 14, that’s ulcer-inducing. Sometimes quantities don’t really affect that tale all that much. For instance, if you have a little diarrhea, or a lot of diarrhea, regardless, you should not be swimming in the pool.
You can make an argument for either in this story as researchers led by paleontologist Charles Marshall (no idea if he’s related to Dr. Rick Marshall) determined this week that our planet has seen 2.5 billion tyrannosaurus rex at one point or another, with 20,000 alive at a time. Now, one T-Rex is certainly a problem and will unquestionably ruin a barbecue, but 20,000 T-Rex is unfathomable. The study’s co-author Ashley Poust told Reuters that while 20,000 seems like a lot, it is “merely the size of a small town.” Oh really, Ashley? Thanks for that image. An entire small, blue collar town of exclusively T-Rex.
“Uh hey I got a little turned around on the interstate, I was hoping someone could help me out..”
“You must be lost, boy, this is T-Rex country.”
Jesus, that means an entire town of T-Rex everything. Your mailman? A T-Rex. Your bag boy at Pubrex? A T-Rex. Your kid’s third grade teacher? You guess it: a T-Rex,
though that probably doesn’t bother you as much because if your child is zoned for that school, then your child is also a T-Rex. The study also found the population density to be about one T-Rex for every 40 square miles. That seems like a unit of measurement that Americans would use just so we didn’t have to use the metric system. “How far is the nearest hotel to here?” “Oof, you’re a ways…I would say at least one T-Rex habitat away.”
The study concluded the average lifespan of a T-Rex is about 28 years, which is really disappointing. That means the male T-Rex were passing away just as their municipal golf addictions were getting underway, and the female T-Rex were dying off just as their dog’s Instagram followers were taking off. If you think I am humanizing these dinosaurs too much, don’t worry as Marshall made sure to put into perspective just how much of a f****** terror these things were during their day.
“Heck, a hugely massive killer with super-huge teeth, one that you would never dream up on your own if we didn’t have the fossil record. So not only super-cool and beyond the imagination, but real. Like Godzilla, but actually real,” he told Reuters.
After reading that paragraph, someone please for the love of God keep an eye on John Hammond and Dr. Henry Wu.