Ralph Lauren Reveals Olympic Uniforms, Team USA’s Dad Who is a Lawyer Confirms

There are a few sure-fire bets one can make every time the Olympics roll around. There will be some star athlete you’ve never heard of, but announcers talk about them like you should have heard, you’ll be amazed by that athlete, then you’ll forget about them again for the next four years. Second, you will not be able to make it through the Olympic season without hearing at least one person mention, “you know they have like a billion condoms in Olympic Village, right? Ha ha.” Finally, Ralph Lauren will release closing ceremony uniforms that will truly inspire a nation.

Courtesy of Ralph Lauren

I mean look at these beauties. It’s like if socioeconomic privilege moonlighted as a tailor. If these uniforms were a person, he would be a Phi Delt in the ACC and his dad would so be about to hear about this. The collar is easily able to pop in case you get turned around exiting off the interstate and end up on the “right side of town.” Of course the jacket can be whisked away in a moment’s notice in case it’s your turn to hoist the sail on the Loggins and MesSEAna as it scurries across the Chesapeake.

I don’t mean to make jokes I do but these five look like they’re about to push Johnny Tsunami down on his snowboard and tell him curtly, “this isn’t Hawaii, BRUH.” Every 80s movie where the public school’s rival “Prep School Academy” shows this crew walking in single-file line up to the decathlon starting place before they’re about to kick some ass, and yes, only their main guy will have a speaking part. I feel like I am looking at a case of stolen valor against the Backstreet Boys for the Millennium album. If you’re a Canadian reading this, don’t worry, Ralph Lauren did not forget about you, either.

Courtesy of Ralph Lauren

It’s like if Ralph Lauren asked Siri to describe Canada to them. I imagine the Team USA uniforms took quite awhile and then someone on the marketing team said, “we have to do Canada, too,” and it was met with a resounding “ugh” from the rest of the room. “Just do a denim jacket or whatever, and I guess we can put their flag in airbrush or something somewhere.” I think this would be insulting to our neighbors up north if it was not so frighteningly accurate. This jacket was last fashionable in the 80s, which is just how Canadians like their style as they sip their Orange Juliuses at the mall arcade.

You can’t just sloppily throw together a look from 30 years ago and then say, “let’s make it cool by adding like the country name in graffiti typeface along the sleeve.” What PG-rated street artist is roaming Toronto and thinks, “I know how I’ll show society…I’ll spray Canada right here on this overpass. Take that, establishment!” Mother of God, it’s like the Barenaked Ladies vomited Bryan Adams onto a Tim Horton sign and that was good enough for the folks down at Polo.

This shows how little the people down at Ralph Lauren really know or care about Canada. They may as well have just completed it with a hat featuring moose antlers emanating from the sides. The only thing left to do is pour a bag of milk on these, drive them 20 kilometers to the city centre of Medicine Hat, and toss them out the window. Best case scenario is maybe Team USA’s dad can get them paid in a civil suit.

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