On Friday morning, my wife and I will make the six-plus hour excursion from Atlanta to New Orleans to watch my Rebels play in the Sugar Bowl. It’s a tremendous opportunity to spend New Year’s Eve in a fun and vibrant city, see some old friends and of course, support my alma mater. Now, that last part goes third as I can’t in good conscience say if Ole Miss was invited to Shreveport or Myrtle Beach I would be all that enthused about logging mileage to watch, but New Orleans is a different story.
My 48 or so hours in Louisiana are certain to be filled with spiced seafood, Everclear-topped hurricanes and undoubtedly frustrating locals with the equally idiotic and idiosyncratic things I will inevitably do. With that said, here are the definitive rankings of my actions they will absolutely be annoyed by.
8. Chip and Joanna Gaines References
The cohosts of Fixer Upper are not only famous for their adorable banter and proclivity to involve shiplap whenever possible, but they are also notorious Baylor fans. Their iconic HGTV home improvement show takes place in the greater Waco area to boot. After I’ve been drinking, there’s absolutely no way around me making endless comments to the tune of “if only (outdated bar we are in) had access to Chip and JoJo” or telling a Baylor fan, “we’re looking to make some upgrades to our kitchen, you don’t…happen to know anyone do you?” I’m only human.
7. David Koresh References
One common refrain regarding college football’s elite players is what an incredible leader that young man is. Whether it’s pregame buildup for the Sugar Bowl or announcers from a fellow New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day bowl game, it is certain to come up about quarterbacks and middle linebackers alike. Now, given the storied history of the cult in Waco led by David Koresh, I again do not see myself refraining from certain comments.
“Oh, what a leader Bryce Young is.”
“You know who else was a great leader?”
6. Maine Justice Reenactments
If you haven’t seen the Maine Justice sketches on YouTube, you are only doing yourself a disservice. It’s essentially a courtroom TV show with all seemingly Louisiana-based characters, except it is set in Maine, and features a defendant who isn’t in on the bit. I can’t see myself not quoting the sketches, and as the drinks multiply, the accuracy will undoubtedly weaken.
5. Talking in a Coach O Voice
Ed Orgeron is often compared to Gene Chizik as a coach who won a title and then fell off a cliff. I think he’s more comparable to Christopher Walken in that no matter how good or bad it actually is, everyone believes they have an impression of him worth sharing. I am no different, even though mine resembles more of a Cookie Monster in a DUI checkpoint. That won’t stop me from yelling it from time to time as I am on location.
4. Buying Single Bud Lights from Vendors
I don’t care if it’s Key West, Kansas City, Louisville or New Orleans, if you have some sort of leniency on open containers, I will take advantage. This is especially true if I am walking down the street and see a licensed or unlicensed reseller of single cans of Bud Light for $2-$5 a pop. It’s just so convenient and such a beautiful world in which to live. Whether I need one or not, I’m getting the money clip out.
3. Finding New and Creative Ways to Admonish the Officials
This is one I will have to answer to Peter at the Pearly Gates about one day. When a call goes against my team during a game, I avoid the whole “you’re blowing the game” and “bullshit” callouts that are used ad naseum by fans. Instead, I think of various new ways to express my displeasure.
“I wish I could create a character of you in Oregon Trail, because I would cross a river simply to give you dysentery.”
“Go back to managing your Papa Johns franchise.”
“You’re missing time with your kids to do this?”
To say it’s earned me my share of backhands to the sternum from my dearly-beloved is an understatement.
2. Pronouncing Gator as “Gaytah” in a Deep Voice
I love alligator bites. I really do. I also am interested in just seeing alligators. Frankly, I think that’s how I’m going to go one day. I will just see a scaly puppy (as I like to call them) and get so enamored that I forget they’re a dangerous creature and I just get swallowed up by one. Being back in Louisiana, I won’t be able to help myself from annunciating the reptile like our old fella from No. 5 in these rankings.
Top Reason: Yelling Lane Train at Things Very Loosely Pertaining to Lane Kiffin
Alas, we are at No. 1. One thing I love more than alligators but less than my wife is Lane Kiffin. He’s fun, he brings exiting football, he is a legendary troll and I am thrilled he is the coach of the Ole Miss Rebels. His name also happens to rhyme with “train.” The only train better than the singers of “Meet Virginia” is old Lane. Like Alabama fans shouting “Roll Tide” at nothing in particular, I can’t help myself during game days but to just yell, “Lane Train” unsolicited.
Name is called at a reservation? Lane Train.
Fireball shots for the crew? Lane Train.
Seeing a cable car shoot across Canal Street? You’re damn right, Lane Train.
I’m sorry, New Orleans. Your city is rich with unique culture and traditions, and I am just the latest to come to town with a list of obnoxious habits. I’ll be there in a few hours, and can’t wait to ring in the new year with you. Lane Train, baby. See?