Molson Coors to Discontinue Various Horrible Beers; Fraternity Pledges Mourn

There are many triggered senses that can summon callbacks to one’s freshman year of college. For instance, take any dirt-cheap beer. You can remember the look of the flattened cases adorning your dorm wall, the rancid taste of the first one, the smell of a beer pong table left uncleaned overnight, the sound of your roommate opening the back door to vomit, and the feel of the stickiness of your floor seemingly at all times due to you guessed it, spilled cheap beer.

Cheap beer can truly be a tour de force of the five senses. That is why an announcement from Molson Coors on Monday sent shockwaves through campuses across the country.

RIP is right. What a tragic day for some of America’s absolute institutions. Who could forget those nights drinking Milwaukee’s Best when one thinks to themselves, “this is really the best Milwaukee has to offer? Maybe I’ll pass on visiting The Badger State.” How about sipping the violently bitter taste of a Keystone Ice and thinking, “this isn’t what I had at the fraternity house the other night,” only to get laughed at because you thought it was Keystone Light. Maybe pour one out for the OG, the original high-alcohol-content beer that is now being impersonated by IPAs galore, Steel Reserve. Those six packs of tall boys were bought for one reason and one reason alone: holy shit, these have like twice the alcohol by volume.

I’ll be honest, many of the other beers on this list did not make their way into my purview. I would’ve loved to try a “Keylightful.” I am guessing that is similar to a Keystone Light except maybe your vomit held off until noon the next day instead of 9 a.m. “Icehouse Edge” seems like another fun one. Oh, because the original Icehouse just wasn’t doing the trick? What were those taglines like? “Icehouse Edge: for the Icehouse drinker that isn’t a little bitch.”

“Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve” may have been just a little too private, I guess. I’ve never heard of it, nor have I heard of his public reserve, either. What in God’s name is “Olde English HG 8000?” Were there seven other iterations, or 7999? Why did they make it sound like the toaster oven the Jetsons would use?

I feel sorry for the kids today who didn’t get to experience Four Loko in its days of answering the question, “what if you could get hammered drunk for $4.50 AND supply a jetliner with your urine.” Now, they are missing the chance to experience some of the finer cheap beers on the market. Maybe I will save a can of Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor so one day my kids can try it decades later. It may be stale as hell, but I doubt the taste would change.

One thing is for sure. I am going to tell my future kids that this man was once the president of the United States.

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