Three years removed from his last professional
cash grab fight against Conor McGregor, Floyd Mayweather announced he will return to the ring on Feb. 20 against YouTube creator Logan Paul.
I have to be honest: when I saw the headline, my first thought was, “well, he did just beat Nate Robinson.” Turns out that was a different Paul. This Paul has fought twice, both times against a guy named KSI (which I thought was the unit of measurement that got Tom Brady in trouble with his balls but is apparently a person) and went 0-1-1. I know brothers like to one-up each other. One Christmas, my brother got my mom a nice pan, so naturally I got her two pots from Pottery Barn. So trust me, I get Logan Paul trying to one-up Jake by seeing his fighting a former 5’9 basketball player and raising him the most accomplished boxer of the modern era.
My question is why stop there? If we are going to start taking alternative reality stars and pairing them up with accomplished athletes in their sports in some form of Pros vs. Joe’s Kinda-Celebrities Edition, let’s go all the way. Here are six more matchups that I would like to see.
Teresa Giudice vs Tony Stewart
The star of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” Giudice would provide ratings out of the box. Throw in the fact that she loves a good cocktail, knowledge I am only assuming as I have not seen any of the show other than what’s detailed on “The Soup” and I think you have an interesting driver on the road. That same background lends me to think she has an explosive Italian temper, which is great, because Stewart isn’t known for exactly letting bygones be bygones. Set this up at Daytona or in a Container Store parking lot in Newark, I don’t care, it will draw NUMBERS.
Farrah Abraham vs Novak Djokovic
Listen, I could tell you many things. I could make a not so clever joke about her “serving” a court summons to James Deen. I could say instead of the score being 15-Love, it will be 16-and-Pregant to Love. Hell, I could even do a “hitting it over the net” vs “hitting it in fishnets” strip club joke. But no. I am a former journalist with high, high standards. So instead, I’ll do a Novak “The Joker” Djokovic vs a person who plastic surgery has made look like the literal Joker joke and move on.
David Dobrik vs Aaron Donald
I guess since football is a team sport, we are staring at Oklahoma drills, which would frankly make for a short feature. I suppose you could just replace one offense’s center and put Donald over him every play. I briefly tried to enlist the help of my wife and told her the concept of this piece. She told me about Dobrik, to which I responded, “who?” She said, “you know, the guy from The Vlog Squad.” I said, “from the f****** what?” After learning of his net worth, I frankly just wanted to see some sort of non-life-threatening pain befall him. I’m sure everyone else too old for TikTok would agree.
Rob Kardashian vs Joel Embiid
At this point, it’s just Rob and Kourtney that are the only Kardashians who have not squared off with an NBA player in one form or another. I don’t know a ton about Rob, but I know he threw on a few Lbs. over the years. A big ass is perfect if you’re going to hold up in the paint against the likes of an Embiid. That is fascinating in its own right, but imagine having to see the Sophie’s Choice expressions on his sisters’ faces when they have to choose which sideline to cheer from and for.
Mama June vs Lance Armstrong
For years, Mama June and the squad was some of TLC’s premiere “we really shouldn’t laugh at this, should we?” lineup of television. She burst on the scene at upwards of 460 Lbs. but has since dropped a reported 300 with the help of diet and exercise. Apparently the $2,500 worth of meth per day helped assist in that weight loss. Suck on that, Richard Simmons. That meth usage was done with the assistance of the guy in the picture below, which uh, which seems about right. You give me a TLC star loaded up on meth going up against Lance Armstrong using any amount of spun German blood he wants? I am in.
“The Miz” vs “The Rock“
I know this one isn’t terribly fair as The Miz is currently an actual professional wrestler, but who doesn’t want to see The Rock back in jorts again. For years, we’ve loved him in movies as a guy with a tough exterior and gentle interior, but let’s not forget when he would call people “bitch” and ask if they could smell his farts all while wearing JNCOs. Bowlers catch a lot of shit for being able to smoke and drink while playing their sport, but there’s something to be said if you can wear jorts. I don’t know if LeBron James is averaging 30, 10, and eight if he has to wear denim all game. Pair that with The Miz who started his career in the spotlight in “The Real World” and you have something. He allegedly dropped out of college so he could join the show, which was always my threat to my mom. If only I was aware of a success story like The Miz and I might have had something. God speed you crazy bastard, you really did it.