There are two things I am especially tired of in the world of media and social media. The first one is using the ole, “last time _____ happened, gas was $0.19 per gallon, the top movie in the box office was Godfather II, and the top song on the charts was by Duran Duran.” The second one is anytime something unfortunate happens, there is a decry of the current year along the lines of, “WHEN WILL 2017 END” like there is an expiration date on deaths and disappointments.
I am going to break that second rule for this article. That’s because some guy in India, one Nitin Patil, caught a dicephalic Spadenose shark. “What is dicephalic, Michael,” you may be asking. Well, my wayward friend, a dicephalic shark means that creature has two f***ing heads. “Well, that’s spooky, but just an abnormality, what makes it so 2020?” Good question, again. It’s a 2020 move because Mr. Patil decided to THROW IT BACK IN THE OCEAN.
Now, I am all for catch-and-release, but this is the whole “would you kill Baby Hitler” philosophical conundrum. Look at it this way: if that two-headed little monster shark gets killed in the wild, then you would have given it a merciful death there in the boat. If it somehow lives to be an adult shark with two heads, then great, you’ve just promised all of us a terrifying fate. Tara Reid has no way of preparing for a tornado full of these little assholes.
My friend from South Africa told me that if I ever encounter a shark, that I should punch it square in the face. What in God’s name do I do if it has two faces? Do I hit the more sinister looking one? Will I have time to decipher that? Will I have to try to punch both at the same time? I’m not Jean-Claude Van Damme.
What if we have a Snowball Hemingway situation? The famed author Ernest Hemingway once had a polydactyl cat named Snowball while living in Key West. That cat was apparently the Antonio Cromartie of the feline kingdom, and his offspring are now all over the island with more toes than Antonio Alfonseca. What happens if this shark has some game with the ladies? Now we have an ocean filled with these things! What about if this shark grows up and meets a Great White with some weird fetish, and now they cross breed and we have TWO-HEADED GREAT WHITES?! Use your f***ing head, Nitil!
One thing we know for sure is its parents won’t miss it one bit. They let it just wander into this fishing net, and figured it was two less mouths to feed. I just wish Nitil would have consulted Vince Vaughn before he put us all in this situation. Thanks a lot, 2020.