BY MICHAEL QUIRK
In another chapter of a tale as old as time, Americans are being incentivized with food to do something they don’t want to do. Want to come to this four-hour HR policy meeting? No, but there’ll be sandwiches provided. How about a gender reveal? No, but there’ll be little blue and pink cookies. Now, Krispy Kreme is offering a free donut every day for the rest of the year for customers who present their vaccination card.
This is negotiating at its finest and it is overwhelming me with patriotism. Some Americans have been fully on board with getting the vaccine while others yell everything from “it’s going to put microchips in our blood” to “I hear it gives you polio” to “Jenny McCarthy told me not to.” Now that free donuts are involved, you know a large portion of that contingency is going to be all:
This announcement is brilliant by Krispy Kreme aside from the altruistic side of the venture. That’s because who seriously eats just one Krispy Kreme glazed donut? That’s serial killer stuff right there. No, you have at least six of those things, piling them down your gullet until you actively feel your body shutting down. So now, folks can go in, get one free donut and then purchase their next dozen to boot. That’s big brain stuff right there.
While I am all aboard with free donuts, I do have to say, “what the hell?” to one side of it. I am not a teacher, healthcare worker, elderly person (no matter how my knees sound when I stand up too fast), nor anyone else deemed necessary enough to get a vaccine. As an aside, I do love that part of the last year is telling everyone who is and who isn’t “essential.” Nothing helps the ole self-esteem across the finish line quite like, “your job and existence…yeah, we could do without it, technically.” But anyway, I do not qualify to get the vaccine, so now everyone is in the metaphorical dance club of free donuts having a good time, while I’m outside the velvet ropes like an ugly dude complaining about cover charges, and I’ll be waiting there until May. I want free donuts, too, let me in! Luckily, Trevor Noah has an answer for people like me.