The coronavirus pandemic stripped us of a lot of our favorite events in 2020, from March Madness to draft stage hugs in the NFL and NBA to the British Open and more. One event that was postponed was the Olympic Games in Tokyo, which was then pushed to 2021. Now, the chances of the games being held on time seem to be in peril, but fear not as the State of Florida is coming to the rescue.
According to Fox Business Network, Florida Chief Financial Officer Jimmy Patronis — whom I presume opens every press conference with, “I’m Florida’s CEO and yes, Florida does have a CEO” — said he met with the International Olympics Committee on Wednesday. Patronis believes while there is uncertainty in Tokyo, the Sunshine State is adequately equipped to host the games.
“I had a nice visit with the IOC,” said Patronis on Cavuto: Coast to Coast, adding Olympic officials “pointed out the value that Florida brings to the table – the talent, the resources, the funding that we provide.”
The NBA and WNBA each successfully completed action in bubble environments in Orlando and Bradenton, respectively. Theme parks such as Disney World and Universal Studios are open for business, as well, lending Patronis the ammunition to lay down a sick burn on Japan.
“We serviced 131 million tourists last year. That’s more than the entire country of Japan combined.”
TAKE THAT, JAPAN. Florida Men are coming for everything, baby! The United States has hosted the Summer Olympics four times in the 125-year history of the global event: Los Angeles in 1932 and 1984, Atlanta in 1996, and St. Louis in 1904. However, saying the US has hosted the Olympics before and then saying,”now let’s put it in Florida” is like saying, “I’ve driven a car before, now let me operate The Gravedigger in 5:00 traffic on I-85 South.”
The Olympic Games bring in hundreds of thousands of tourists each time they come around. Florida is no stranger to international tourists as travelers flock to famed destinations like the theme parks, South Beach, and the Florida Keys. But the Olympics require far-and-wide sites to be able to host all of the events, such as when Atlanta hosted in 1996 and some events were held as far away as Athens.
That means tourists will get to see a whole different side of Florida than they are used to seeing. It’s like when a woman is dating a man, and all she sees is him opening her car door, dressed in nice jeans and a blazer, and talking about his career ambitions over dinner. Then, the relationship gets more serious and she sees his apartment covered in Skoal cans, nothing but Bud Light and ketchup in the fridge, and a bathroom that resembles that of a rural Exxon. That Exxon-like bathroom is Winter Park.
We’ve shown Florida to the world before, but again, we haven’t shown all of Florida. To use the dating analogy again, you may have met our mom and dad, but now let’s introduce you to our racist, conspiracy theory-having Uncle Frank.
I am still not able to get over the fact Florida has a CEO. I wonder if his “guardian” is a silver alligator; I know, I know, but I had to do that. As you can see from his LinkedIn, Patronis has served as a restauranteur and a public service commissioner, rising up the ranks to CEO. I can’t get it out of my mind, though, that the Florida CEO is like the “boss level” in a retro video game. You get past the naked guy stealing all the non-stucco mailboxes in your neighborhood and then move on to the guy huffing the air conditioning units behind Publix before having to defeat the guy from Immokalee who claims to be 25 percent alligator. Only THEN can you take on Florida’s CEO, whatever that entails.
Sorry for that last gator pun, it was unintentional. Anyway, if you’re a potential tourist considering visiting Florida for the games this summer should they acquire them, I will leave you with a video preparing you for what’s in store. May God bless the Olympic Games, and may God bless my home state of Florida.