BY MICHAEL QUIRK
There is an age-old adage, “fake it ’til you make it.” It implies something like saying on a job application you know Microsoft Excel really well even when you don’t, and then just trying to learn it before anyone at your new job notices. A Florida couple took it a step further last week when they attempted to host a wedding at a $5.7 million mansion that did not belong to them.
According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Courtney Wilson toured the 16,313-square-foot Southwest Ranches, Fla. home belonging to Nathan Finkel. The home has been on the market for two years, and after touring the home, Wilson asked Finkel if he could hold his wedding there to which the homeowner declined. That did not stop my man from sending out wedding invitations that said, “it is our honor to welcome you into our dream home and estate.”
Wilson and his fiancé, Shenita Jones, went through on the plan and began hosting guests to the vacant home on April 17, their wedding day. Little did they know, Finkel lives in another house on the property and after noticing event employees, he called 911 and told them, “They keep harassing me, calling me, and they say they’re having a wedding here and it’s God’s message. I don’t know what’s going on. All I want is it to stop.” Wilson and Jones acquiesced to the police’s request they leave the property.
The bad news is that’s a pretty good way to blow your whole wedding day up, but the good news is a house that isn’t yours and the fuzz rolling up at least checks off your something borrowed and something blue. My first thing when reading this story is there was without a doubt a jealous guest of the bride somewhere in the guest list who when she heard this was all a rouse, was given the gift of a lifetime. A live look at her reaction.
I do love that when confronted, they said it was God’s message to hold the wedding there. I’m going to put that one away in my back pocket. What do I tell the security guards when I enter the fighter entrance during a McGregor bout without tickets? God’s message. What do I do when I miss a deadline at work? God’s message. What do I do when my wife yells at me for leaving dishes next to the sink instead of in the dishwasher? Sorry baby, God’s message. Iconic move by Wilson.
You may be thinking to yourself the happy couple was going to be in and out of there in a flash considering they were technically trespassing.
The invitation said the event would last from 3:30 p.m. to 2:30 a.m. My word, God’s message must’ve been to have one extra long party. An 11-hour wedding and reception? How many f****** times can you play Shout and The Cupid Shuffle? I find it difficult to dodge my relatives at a three-hour reception, but doing so for 11 hours would feel like a POV from The Fugitive. The invite even said, “wonderful evening of celebration, exquisite feast, and dancing at our royal extravaganza.”
Exquisite feast? Who talks like that? It sounds like marketing materials from the the Whoville Christmas parade. I have never eaten something in my life and described it as exquisite or a feast. “Oh, these mini crab cakes are exquisite?” Really, Mark? Because when we got in last night, I saw you eat six tostadas from 711 at 11 p.m. “Oh, what a tremendous feast this is!” I don’t know that I would really classify a buffet line with Mac and cheese and either fish or chicken as a “feast,” but OK.
I feel like I can borrow from both ends of this story as Finkel’s line to 911 of, “I don’t know what’s going on. All I want is it to stop,” is a very relatable message. That’s how a lot of life is to be honest. I don’t know what is going on, or why, but if it could just stop, that would be swell. I have no idea how this all ended up, but many cheers to the happy couple and I hope they found another home for their 11-hour wedding extravaganza.