CBS and Nickelodeon Mashup to Provide NFL Wild Card Game; Stoners Rejoice

There used to be a fun parlor game called “Two Truths and a Lie” where you would tell a group of people two true stories or facts about you along with one lie, and it was up to them to guess and identify which was the lie. I say “used to be” because in 2020, s*** is so chaotic that trying to guess what is real and fake is like pissing in the dark.

Such a story hit my desk this week when CBS announced they would be offering an NFL Wild Card Game on multiple networks, pairing with Nickelodeon for an alternative broadcast. The Nick version will feature a pregame show co-hosted by Denver Broncos star Von Miller and legendary cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants. Per the CBS news release, there promises to be slime, Nickelodeon stars serving as sideline reporters and co-hosting in the both with CBS veterans Noah Eagle and Nate Burleson, on-field graphics and filters, and a halftime sneak peek at Kamp Koral, an upcoming Spongebob project.

This news is great for both children that don’t really like sports, but even more so for stoners. Nothing says “am I freaking out? No I’m definitely freaking out” quite like seeing Dalvin Cook score a touchdown and the goal posts emitting CGI slime onto the field. They stand to be the major beneficiary of the move, while two other groups stand to be the ones harmed by the endeavor.

The first group is baby boomer dads. Despite having televisions for the better part of half-a-century, baby boomer dads will routinely say they cannot find a channel on the television, even if it is the same channel they go to for their news, their golf, their football, and their Blue Bloods. The voice-activated search on the remote control was a game changer, but here is where I think they are in trouble. They will ask for NFL football at the day of the game, and then boom, they’re hit with Patrick Star jumping on a pile-up like it’s NFL Blitz 99. There will be the rage of a thousand suns when they realize this telecast is not like the ones they have grown accustomed to in years past. Prepare for meltdowns bigger than their sons deciding to go to art school or their daughters “futzing with the AC.”

The second group is adults that don’t watch football much, but want to fit in with groups. They are going to turn on their TV and say, “OK what is this all about…oh there is the game..Nickelodeon? That doesn’t sound right but hey what do I know?” Then after taking in the game, they’re going to get to work and assimilate into the water cooler group or Zoom call talking about the game. One guy will say, “oh man, could you believe that touchdown?” and another will say, “how about that strip-sack, though?” Then in comes my man who is about to be down big, trying to hop in with, “I just couldn’t believe there wasn’t a holding on the offense penalty on Sandy Cheeks in the third quarter.” Silence. Awkwardness. Removal from happy hour invitations for life.

I may end up tuning into this dystopian version. I just wish they would hit a market for millennials like myself with Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple calling the game with Summer Sanders. Maybe get the punt return team to have to navigate an Alaskan Pipeline from Double Dare 2000 when dropping back? I don’t know, I’m just spitballing. CBS execs, you know where to find me.

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