BREAKING: Florida is Even Scarier Than We Thought

It is no secret that Florida is America’s very own fun-sized version of Australia. The parallels are ubiquitous. It’s hot and sticky, will likely be covered in either water or Pabst Blue Ribbon at some point, founded by exiled criminals, and the amount of alcoholics is only outnumbered by its amount of horrifying wildlife creatures.

I know all of this. Why? Because I have eyes. But also because I am originally from the state of Florida. It’s a fact I typically like to keep to myself, much like someone does with a foot fetish. But this is a safe space, I suppose, and today I learned something that not even my Sunshine State ass knew was possible. Wildlife photographer Shellie Gilliam spotted a baby alligator getting eaten by…a great blue heron.

Credit: Shelley Gilliam

Yeah. Florida’s birds are f****** eating its alligators. If I was a liberal arts major Pi Phi at a state school, I would be remarking how unbelievably 2020 this is. But this is not the work of 2020, this is just pure, unadulterated Florida, baby. Mother of God, let me say this again: a bird ate an alligator.

“Yes, a bird can eat an alligator! If it’s savage enough!” Gilliam wrote on Facebook. “This Great Blue Heron spent a half hour killing and consuming a large juvenile alligator.”

You spend your time in the wilderness in Florida being concerned about alligators, not about what’s eating alligators. When I’m at the beach, I continually watch my Sun Chips around the birds, but now I guess I’m going to have to watch my ass, too. So just add it to the list of all the threats in Florida to be cognizant of: Burmese pythons, panthers, transplants from Pittsburgh with Salt Life decals, and now apparently birds. Great blue herons are coming up on your six and they want blood.

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