BY MICHAEL QUIRK
OK, I think it is time we stop sending planes and ships to-and-from Australia. What? No, it has nothing to do with COVID-19, and everything to do with the fact it’s apparently where Satan goes to workshop his tortures.
This directive of mine comes on the heels of a Sydney woman discovering hoards of huntsman spiders on the walls of her daughter’s bedroom. Don’t believe me? Check out this nightmare of a tweet.
The fact that this friend of the Twitter user stayed in that room long enough to take a picture shows just how unstable that continent is to its core. Not only that, but an article from Sunrise news in Australia included in their article on the horror show that, “they pose very little risk to humans.” Oh cool, really? Little risk to humans? Because if staying in this room for 10 minutes was a Fear Factor challenge for a million dollars, you can find my answer from Tracy Morgan in the 2010 film Cop Out.
Very little risk to humans? Tell that to my dying breaths as I walk into that room and see all those beady eyes looking back at me. How did all of those things get in that room? I can understand some ants or a cockroach poking through, but how do you allow a Million Spiders March to end up in your home?
At that point, you have to move, right? I don’t know how old the daughter is, but she can’t possibly go back into that room that appears to be a Stephen King wet dream come to life. If your daughter is young, the spiders may just pick her up and take her like an arachnid rendition of Gulliver’s Travels. If she is in her teens, she likely has noise-canceling headphones, and that’s a recipe for disaster.
I cannot stop looking at those pictures and immediately patting down my back to ensure none of these huntsman monsters got their way over here. Lady, ma’am, whomever you are, move out of that house. In fact, just sign the deed over to the spiders; it’s their house now. They’ve already taken over to the point where it’s like the Aaron’s Party for eight-legged freaks. Furthermore, as of now, I am calling for all countries in the UN to cease all communications with Australia. We are done, it’s over, you’re back to a jail colony with your spiders and your crocs and your killer roos.